RSS

Category Archives: Aging

25 tips to staying (happily) married for 25 years

I  know, I know, you ask: how can you stay happily married to the same person for 25 years? Well, one thing is certain: it takes hard work by both partners.  Here’s a tip list of things that have worked for us, but of course, I’m sure there are more. PLEASE post your tips too.

Happy Anniversary to my honey!

  1. Know that your partner is not responsible for your happiness; if you seek happiness from someone else, you will likely get disappointed as it’s too much to ask from anyone. Happiness comes from within;
  2. Learn what is your partner’s love language, since that is how s/he feels loved. It could be a good back scratch or cuddle that does the trick;
  3. Speak up as to what is your love language – what makes you feel loved. No one can read your mind, even your partner of many years;
  4. Look at the big picture to decide when something is worth arguing about. Compromise does not have to be giving in – just decide what’s important to you;
  5. Make time for each other daily, even when busy with work or raising kids. You could stay up a little later after the kids are in bed and catch up on TV shows or take an evening stroll;
  6. Support each other, even when it may be silly to you. It could be something important to him/her;
  7. Respect each other, even during an argument. Just like the popular toothpaste analogy, ugly words can’t be taken back;
  8. Go on date nights to a favorite restaurant or event. Try not to talk about the kids or work and instead, focus on each other;
  9. Talk to each other about money issues. This one can be tough, but it’s important because not talking about it could lead to resentment, distrust or even divorce;
  10. Trust each other completely as trust goes hand in hand with love. You can’t have a successful marriage without trust;
  11. Accept him/her just the way s/he is. Remember, you can’t change others, only yourself;
  12. Seek therapy if needed. No relationship is perfect and we bring into our marriage a history of our own;
  13. Always tell each other the good news and the bad news. Keeping bad news bottled up inside because you’re afraid of your partner’s reaction is unhealthy and it will all come out eventually;
  14. Know that life will be messy sometimes, like a family illness or a child’s problems. Staying together during a rough patch will strengthen your marriage;
  15. Talk, talk, talk! Did I mention, talk? Communication is so vital to staying happily married because, again, no one can read minds and everyone needs validation;
  16. Remember that it’s a two-way street and you both have to work at it. Don’t feel like it’s all up to you – you can’t change others, only yourself;
  17. Make time for your friends and your own hobbies, even when you’re a mom/dad. This gives you individuality and contributes to your wellbeing, since your partner can’t be all things to you;
  18. Decide early on what each other’s pet peeves are – it could be that the kitchen sink must be cleared of dishes every night or that dirty socks are not strewn everywhere;
  19. Go away just the two of you and leave daily stresses behind;
  20. Rediscover each other in the bedroom by exploring new toys or techniques. Yes – even after 25 years!
  21. Allow him/her to have nights out with his/her friends for the same reason it’s good for you. Also, this lets them see what their friends’ home lives are like and they realize the grass is not greener on the other side;
  22. Watch movies together, whether on DVD or theatre, since it sometimes opens up discussions on issues you wouldn’t normally talk about. Again, talk, talk ,talk!
  23. Remember that we are all human and make mistakes. We can learn from our mistakes and grow as a couple too;
  24. Love each other, even when the wrinkles start and the hair starts to go silver. Hopefully, we will all eventually grow old and accepting it gracefully, together, eases the transition into the next 25 years;
  25. Go for frequent talk-walks together. Use that time to listen or unload the day’s stresses (in a non-accusatory way). By the end of the walk, you’ll both feel much better with the natural high from the exercise and from releasing the stress.
 
6 Comments

Posted by on July 3, 2011 in Aging, Family, kids, marriage, travel

 

Tags: , , ,

The other three letter word nobody wants to be called…

Not FAT….I’m talking about getting OLD.  It’s funny how we fight it, but we’re all getting a little older every day.  Regardless of what skin care or vitamins you take, you’ll still get older…if you’re lucky.

My birthday’s coming up and I always get reflective at this time.  It’s a great age for that.   (ssh…I’ll never tell).  It’s like I’m standing on a time line where I can turn my head one way and glance  back at my life’s memories and then turn my head the other way and look forward to new ones.   The realist in me knows that I need to take each day as it comes and live it to the fullest, because sometimes we don’t have as many years left as we hope for.  My sister-in-law, JoAnn, died at the age of 44.  I’m learning (at my ripe old age) to live in the NOW, but with plans for my golden years.

I think about all the times I’ve said, “just kill me before I turn 90.”  My friends and family laugh when I say this, but they usually nod and agree that getting old is tough.  We all have stories about aging parents, grandparents or relatives and we hate to see them suffer, especially when they become incoherent.  It’s sad to see anyone’s life end with such little dignity.

I was in this reflective mood as I was putting away our fine china, which we used for our Thanksgiving feast.  It’s a lovely set which was handed down from my husband’s late grandmother, Jane.  Each piece is in beautiful shape and still gleams, as if it was brand new.  Obviously, it was handled with care through the years and I am honored that the set made its way into our home.

Grandma Jane was an interesting lady who told us wonderful stories about going to a speakeasy and the Great Depression.  She was petite and had blue sparkly eyes that lit up when she spoke.  When her husband was alive, they decided that he may die first and they sold their house and bought an assisted living condo.  He didn’t want her to struggle after he died.   It was perfect for them.  They were able to have the freedom of living on their own, as well as the security of having someone nearby, just in case.  The facility had a large cafeteria, which doubled as a meeting place and Jane liked to play cards with the other residents.   Also, they were in walking distance of a 24 hour store and they could take a shuttle bus on day trips.  I loved visiting them with my daughter (who was an infant at the time).

Now, they had the right idea about getting old.  It’s going to happen — plan for it.  Don’t be too proud to accept help when you need it and be realistic — you’ll need an alternative way of getting around.  Grandma Jane died not too long after her husband did.  I still think it was more of a broken heart, since they were inseparable when he was alive.  It was sad to see her go since I would’ve liked my kids to get to know her.  This is why I make sure my kids get to know their living grandparents.

My parents live a few thousand miles away and each time we visit, I see more signs of aging.  My mom walks a lot slower and she seems to have shrunk.  My dad’s memory is diminishing and each time, he tells the same story as if it was the first time.   It’s sad, but I know it’s part of life and the good news is that they are still with us.  We can still hug them and love them.  We can still listen to old stories (and pretend we’ve never heard them).  My dad loves to sit outside and breathe in the air from his trees as he listens to music on the radio.  My mom’s eyes light up when she tells me about a story she wrote — she’s a very creative writer.

My kids are also getting to know my husband’s dad, who lives near us.  He’s a self-described ‘dinosaur’ and a Godly man.  I  know that I am blessed to still have my parents and my father-in-law still around.  My kids never met their grandma on my husband’s side.  She died when she was only 59 years old and her death was sudden.

Instead of thinking of old age as doom and gloom, I choose to look at it as a blessing.  No one knows how long they will live and each year is a blessing.  I appreciate it more now, after JoAnn’s death.  Now, I pray that I get old.  I want to be like Grandma Jane and tell stories of my youth.  I want to be like my mom and continue to write stories.  I want to be like my dad, who appreciates music and soft breezes.  I want to be like my father-in-law, who finds humor in getting old.

Just like the fine china,  I will “handle with care” and hope that my eyes are still sparkling for the next generation.  This birthday, I will be happy that I’m one year older and have an amazing family and friends to share my life with right now.

 
2 Comments

Posted by on November 28, 2009 in Aging, antiques, Family, Holidays, Writing

 

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

 
%d bloggers like this: